Chapter Two
Sometimes It’s Okay to Say No….
Welcome back to our mental health journey! In this chapter, I’d like to talk about something that I have struggled with my whole life: learning to say “no”.
A little background on myself first. I am the oldest of three to a five foot even spitfire of a Latina mother who had birthed all of her children before her twentieth birthday. This meant that I needed to grow up quickly, jumping in and helping out with household chores and child-rearing at the age of eight. Now, for a child as quiet as I was, responsibilities like this trained me to be obedient in ways that I struggle with today. I could not let my mother down. I could not add to her struggle. I had to do all that she asked: cleaning, cooking, minding my siblings, and keeping up near-perfect grades. All of this pressure to be perfect caused little ol’ Jo to be an emotional, anxious people-pleaser. And here I am now, in my thirties, finally releasing myself from a decade long relationship that has done nothing but hold me back from the life I want.
Do I resent my mother for this? No. She did what she had to do to raise her children and help them succeed as best as she could. I am eternally grateful for her strength and love; she is the best of women. But the outcome of this means that today, I cannot tell anyone “no”. I can’t let them down. I don’t want them to struggle. I don’t want them to be disappointed or angry with me. And, unfortunately, there are people who will take advantage of this, seeing it as weakness.
It starts off with the simple things, right? A ride to the store, a loaned twenty dollars for gas, a free night of babysitting, a project done that we are not credited for. Then, one day, you look up and realize how much of your life you have spent as a doormat.
You say “yes” and give up your time and energy just to make the person asking happy. And sometimes, it’s worth it. More kindness should be spread in the world today, as bleak as it is. But most times, it’s not. You know that you are being taken advantage of, and you just wish you can say “no”.
What about your happiness? Your well-being? Your weekend that you wanted to spend relaxing at home after a long work week that now is dedicated to someone else’s problems?
Is this selfish? Maybe! But sometimes, being selfish is okay. It is necessary for the taking care of you part. Now, I am not saying, “Hey! Don’t help anybody out! Worry only about yourself ever!” What I am saying is it is okay to say “no”.
Let’s practice.
Say it with me. No.
We can do better than that, I think. NO.
Louder! NO!
Learn to balance! Tell yourself over and over that we don’t have to make everyone else happy all of the time. That the world will not stop spinning if you put yourself first once in a while. Do not stay in an unhealthy place so that others can thrive. Don’t hurt yourself or allow others to hurt you because of some delusional fear of being unliked or unloved. If not for anyone else, do it for you.
And with that, I leave you with this chapter’s song. I hope you find the strength that eight year old me is helping me to find.
You can do this.
Until, next time, love yourself as much as I love you.
-Jo